


sparkles of self-love

by belatedwannable



Category: ONEUS (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Bathing/Washing, Body Worship, Insecurity, M/M, Masturbation, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:56:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25060495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belatedwannable/pseuds/belatedwannable
Summary: To combat his insecurities, Seoho gives himself a lovely evening of self-pleasure.
Relationships: Kim Youngjo | Ravn/Lee Seoho, but it's mostly Seoho solo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54
Collections: Moonlight Fic Fest





	sparkles of self-love

_I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful_

_So unloved like I’m not on your mind_

_I can feel so boring, feel so uninteresting_

_So lonely, but I say that I’m just fine._

Seoho knows that now’s not a good time. They have a comeback on the horizon, not close enough to press on all the members, but close enough to require some attention. To say that Youngjo is stressed about preparations is an understatement. It’s been weeks since they last had intimate time together, weeks of offers and refusals, weeks of waiting and wondering about being forgotten. Seoho is growing restless. 

As someone with deep-seated insecurities, he has to remind himself all the time that the rejections have nothing to do with him and everything to do with elements beyond his control, but sometimes doubt creeps in and he wonders whether he’s deserving of the attention he craves. The turning point for him comes in one of the most cliché ways: a self-help social media post. 

“Craving love from someone?” it reads. Seoho nods at his screen. “Try showing yourself the attention you desire.” He stares blankly at the screen for a minute, formulating what such a suggestion could do for him in his sexually deficient state. 

He masturbates, of course, but it’s always been a way to take the edge off desperation in a dry spell or unrequited crushes. Seoho’s never done it purely to give himself pleasure. What would that be like? The possibilities make him blush pink, but there’s never been a better time to try it and he’s always been open to experimentation.

The group technically has the night off, but he already knows that Youngjo will be working. Still, he offers in a small, seductive whisper, “Sleep with me tonight, hyung?”

Youngjo responds with an apologetic look that gives Seoho his answer before the words are even spoken. “Not tonight, sweetheart. I need to finish this rap part by the end of the week. Maybe after that.”

Seoho’s used to this by now, the practice of giving his boyfriend the support and space that he needs to quite literally create their future together, so he smiles sweetly. “Thank you for working so hard. I can take care of myself tonight, I promise. I love you.”

“I love you too.” With those words and a fond pat on the shoulder, Youngjo heads back into the studio and Seoho heads home with a plan for his evening.

His first item of business is to run himself a bath. He has a glitter bath bomb that he’s been saving for a special occasion and he decides that tonight is special enough. Taking it out of the wrapper, he dips it into the water, watching it fizz in his hand before entrusting it fully to the depths of the bath.

Just before he sinks into the bath, he pours himself a glass of cold water and lights a few candles to line the bathtub’s perimeter. Then, he’s swimming in a blue sea of sparkles, shimmering like stars in the warm glow of the candles and smelling of peppermint. Seoho swirls his hand through the water, creating patterns, forming and destroying galaxies with a flick of his wrist. It’s soothing and enchanting, something he hasn’t felt on his own for a long time. 

If Youngjo were here, they would be too wrapped up in one another for Seoho to fully appreciate the way his hand transforms into that of some starchild when he holds it just under the surface of the water. He wouldn’t be able to savor the sensation of sipping cold water while immersed in liquid heat. He would probably be too self-conscious to act out the merman role of his dreams, but tonight is about him, especially the parts of himself that he’s nervous to put out into the world or perform even before those he loves. So, he allows himself to splash a bit, to duck his head beneath the surface and flip his hair back, and to compose his own siren song. 

After the water cools, Seoho gets out and towels off, eager for the next step. When he arrives in his bedroom, wrapped in the fluffiest bathrobe he owns, he heads straight for a drawer that’s been neglected for some time. His energies have been so focused on playing with and pleasing his boyfriend that his toys have gone unused. 

With fingers dancing over each of the pretty shapes in turn, Seoho finally settles on his favorite, a pearlescent light blue vibrator, his very first. He remembers researching it in secret for months before making the purchase. Like his skin, the toy shimmers slightly in the lamplight, subtle sparkles embedded in the shaft.

He makes himself comfortable with the pillows on the bed, having taken care to respectfully remove his plushies. They don’t need to see this. When Seoho disrobes, he drapes the fabric carefully over them, just in case. He’s been jarred out of sexytimes by the disapproving eye of a stuffed animal before. 

For the first time ever, he’s not fantasizing about anyone who isn’t there. Instead, he focuses on what he wants, what elicits reactions, and where he desires to be pleased. This is going to require a bit of experimenting, but Seoho’s up to the task. He begins by trailing his fingers up one leg, shivers running through him when they brush over his inner thigh. _So I’m sensitive to my own touch there. Good to know._

And on he goes, making mental notes to himself about how his body responds to his own fingertips. It’s a holy perspective, worshiping at the altar of one’s own body, lavishing it with attention and care. With ritual in mind, he circles each of his abs in turn, remembering how much work he put in to get them in the first place. Seoho may not take much time anymore to recognize this part of his body, though he knows others do, but the interlude is meaningful to him somehow. It’s not just sex. It’s looking at his life in retrospect with a renewed awareness of how far he’s come and how much he’s accomplished.

With one hand, he spreads himself open for his fingers, newly slicked with lube. He smiles as he remembers the first time he did this, alone on his bed just trying to figure out how it all worked. He knows now. He knows that the first finger is the easiest for him to adjust to and that the second takes about three deep breaths to get used to. He knows the angle his fingers need to bend to make a jolt of pleasure go through him. He’s even learned how to make himself climax from this alone.

If he was with Youngjo right now, if Youngjo were the one spreading him open and filling him up, he would never have thought about all this knowledge he’s acquired through the years. It just never would have occurred to him how he likes to be stretched just enough to take whatever he’s putting inside himself, but not too much. He wants to be pushed a little bit farther.

Seoho pours the lube onto his toy, pushing it into his mouth partially to spread the liquid around evenly and partially to sate his oral fixation. It’s been ages since he’s had the toy in his mouth, though that used to be one of his cherished pre-bedtime rituals when he was single. It feels like coming home after a long holiday, familiarity washing over him as his tongue maps the territory once more and he tastes the lube, sweet in an artificial way.  
  


When he’s satisfied with the layer of lube on the vibrator, he positions the tip against his hole, brushing over it without entering a few times, just to see whether he likes teasing himself as much as he likes Youngjo doing it. From the way his back arches at that contact alone, he thinks he can say it does.

Sparks fly further as he takes himself in hand. Without anything else to focus on, every sensation is heightened, from the slight warmth of his foot tucked just under the bunched-up sheets at the bottom of the bed to the wet heat of his precum coating his fingers. He presses the toy in, letting out a pitch-perfect cry of pleasure for no one but himself to hear.

Seoho eventually works the toy all the way inside, clenching with a moan when it brushes against his prostate. With the push of a button, he turns the vibration to one of his preferred settings. At first, when he got it, he experimented for hours with the advertised ten modes. There are three consistent ones to start, arranged in order of increasing intensity, but his favorite is the one that starts slowest and builds up almost to full power before dropping back down to slow. It gives him the same feeling he gets when he does backflips, the thrill of flipping his world upside-down and right-side-up in one smooth motion.

Normally, he uses sex as a way to get out of his own head, but success and stable love have given him a quiet confidence that he hasn’t fully realized until now. This is comfortable, Seoho thinks to himself as he tightens his grip on his length. His other hand holds the toy steady as he grinds down against it. _Ah, fuck, that feels good._

Better than comfortable, it’s something celestial. _Heavenly._ That’s the word his mind provides and Seoho immediately knows it’s the right one, inscribing it on his heart and allowing further descriptions to flow from it. It’s heavenly to know that he can take himself to these heights of pleasure now. He has grown the wings to soar on his own when he so chooses. And oh, how he flies high in this moment, shifting his hips between his hand and the vibrator as he nears the edge of bliss.

When he’s about to come, Seoho praises himself just once. “Beautiful, that’s it. Just like that.” The words feel unfamiliar on his tongue, but not unpleasantly so. They’re part of a new ritual, a self-exaltation of sorts. He could get used to this. And that’s his last coherent thought before orgasm overtakes his senses.

Lazing around in the afterglow, he takes his time turning off the toy and leaving it in, enjoying being filled while he leans over to grab a wipe for his hand and chest. He gets another before easing the toy out slowly, scrunching up his nose at the new emptiness before using his last little bit of energy to give both himself and the vibrator a wipedown. He barely manages to put the toy on his bedside table, toss the wipes into the trash can, and turn off the lights before drifting off to sleep.

Youngjo slips into Seoho’s room in the wee hours of the morning and finds his boyfriend sleeping peacefully, serene and satisfied. Fully nude, he looks like an ancient statue or an angel with the glitter scattered on his already-luminous skin, his hair fanned out on the pillow like a halo. Youngjo presses a kiss to his forehead and crawls in beside him for cuddles. All is peaceful and they are at rest.

_Oh, these little rejections, how they disappear quickly_

_The moment I decide not to abandon me_.

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: The epigraphs for this fic come from the lyrics of “So Unsexy” by Alanis Morissette (both the [original](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoh2P0yndcQ) and the [musical version](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPa9sY6CJio) of it), a song that resonates deeply within my heart. Doubt and insecurity are very human things and sometimes it takes self-love (in whatever form) to combat them. As always, you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/belatedwannable) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/belatedwannable). I welcome comments and conversations!
> 
> On another note, I’m proud of myself for actually getting a bingo line with: holy perspective, life in retrospect, and ancient. My deepest gratitude goes to the Moonlight Fic Fest mods who were so gracious and understanding throughout the process!


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